Overcoming Hurt Feelings

You still have a few choices to protect yourself in a world that is increasingly insensitive to the feelings of others.

Mudslinging used to be reserved for politicians but now there are many victims including children, teens and adults who are bullied through the magic of social media.

Your choices:

  • Never let another person record directly onto that “computer chip” we call our brain.  No one gets direct access to our psyche except us.
  • Even restrict others from getting into your head with a compliment.  The safest way to accept a heartfelt compliment is to use it as more evidence to back up what you are already telling yourself.  If you’re constantly telling yourself you are a caring loving person then when someone else hands you that compliment, consider it more proof.  But when others get to say things directly to our psyche that we are not already telling ourselves, when they decide to pull it back, we tend to become co-dependent.
  • The number one way to deal with hurt feelings is to take five seconds and remind yourself that it must be awful for the person hurling insults at you to have to live with themselves.   A moment of empathy even if it is not deserved, changes the way you respond and allows you to not make it about you.

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Finding Quality Time

Quality time is not measured in hours or minutes but in the number of times you can look into another person’s eyes or listen to them talk to you.

When we push to find more time with children, spouses, partners and even ourselves, we are making a mistake to judge the time successfully by how much time we spend.

Asking a son or daughter if they’d like to go for a walk with you as you leave your cell phone on the table is a start. 

Asking 5 questions in a row to someone else without feeling obliged to also weigh in on it yourself is telling others that you’re focused on them. 

Being able to accurately repeat back what someone has told you is a learnable skill that most people do not have.  Others are delighted to know they have been heard.

Even silence is quality time between two people when they are connected by a common interest or focus.

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More Confidence Without Talking

Here’s how you can increase your confidence without ever having to say a word.

Stand taller, shoulders back.

That’s right, people who stand tall actually increase their self-confidence and it has been verified through research to be true.

People who do not have sufficient confidence have a more slouching posture or even a cowering stance.

People who seek more confidence actually accomplish it by how they walk into a room, enter a meeting or when meeting people they do not know.

Before I speak to an audience I stand up as straight as I can and stick my chest out.  Often, this physical manifestation of confidence is more effective than all the subliminal messages I might try to send myself.

All of us are capable of adjusting our posture and stance which means that we can find a simple way to be more comfortable with who we are.

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The Compliment No One Can Resist

Before you give another person a compliment, rely on a proven method for making it stick like glue.

First, sincerity trumps giving praise to manipulate someone else.

Second, a compliment is just mere flattery if it is not backed up by evidence.

You exceeded my expectations on this project because (and here comes the evidence) you’ve captured the spirit of what we’ve been trying to do in this company. 

You are so kind — it means so much to me that while I was in the hospital, you texted every day to check in on me.

Everyone likes a compliment that is backed up by evidence that conveys that you really mean it, but for a compliment that absolutely no one can resist, give the compliment to a spouse or a friend or another associate.

Bad news travels fast, but good news travels even faster.

I knew of a radio station where the boss paid bonus checks to his best workers by sending a letter to their spouses along with the check.

Your wife is again a super achiever this month leading everyone in local sales. 

Giving a compliment can be better than receiving it once you realize how people will become drawn to you for your sincerity and appreciation.

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Should You Fake It Until You Make It

Harvard Business Review published an article titled “How To Fake It When You’re Not Feeling Confident”.

This is a common theme of late at companies, from motivational speakers and even psychologists who counsel troubled foster children.

Should you “trick yourself out of the state of self-doubt”?

But it isn’t necessary to fake anything.

Remembering an I.O.U. for anything that you succeed at for use when more confidence is called for will be more effective.

Every success you have – big or tiny – add to a list on your smartphone which, as you know, is always with you.

Scroll through that list at least once a day – preferably more. 

Some examples:  I spoke up at a meeting without being asked to; I broke the ice and started a conversation with someone I didn’t really know;  I made it through a tough day without saying the word “can’t”;  I got a raise (you’ll be surprised how quickly we forget raises and promotions which are testimonials to our success shortly after we get them;  I was bullied today and I pushed back.

If you start looking for little successes, you’ll change the way you think.

Imagine hundreds of these accomplishments starting with most recent first on a scrollable list.

Then bolding the ones that you are particularly proud of.

No more is needed than to organize a way to easily view all the things that we tend to forget about that can become powerful I.O.U.s for future success.

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