Removing obstacles to confidence, oddly enough, starts with eliminating anger.  That’s not a common view but a powerful one.

“Forgiveness is a choice that you make to give up anger and resentment, even while acknowledging that misconduct happened.

Forgiveness is choosing a higher path. Forgiveness is for you, not for the forgiven.

Forgiveness is your gift to others, even those who are undeserving of your kindness” according to Dr. Amit Sood.

Confidence grows when you release anger through forgiveness, choosing peace and personal strength over resentment.

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I’m teaching a class on performance anxiety and imposter syndrome this week and in preparation discovered that 80% of us – not just performers and entertainers – experience it in our lives.

Barbra Streisand famously said “The only way I could perform was to believe I had something important to say.  If I thought about the audience judging me, I’d freeze.  But if I focused on the message in the music — I could sing.”

Lizzo:  “I used to get nervous before every show, thinking I had to prove myself.  Now I remind myself: I’m not here to be perfect — I’m here to be present.”

World renown violinist Hilary Hahn said “Performance anxiety never fully goes away — but I’ve learned to welcome it. It means I care.  I don’t try to fight it anymore; I work with it, like a partner.”

I’ll save you the tuition of taking the course to hearing the answer to performance anxiety that is so rampant in our world today – and it’s so simple but true.

Keep going.

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Getting down on yourself is a dangerous flirtation.

Bad feelings can emerge.  Loss of self-worth can start pretty quickly.  And depression can take you off course.

My NYU Stress Class students struggle with rejection, criticism and negative thoughts which is a form of self-sabotage that can be stopped in its tracks.  How?

Do good, not just focus on it.  Actually, make a difference in some outcome.  It doesn’t have to be life changing just small or even insignificant compared to earth shattering.

The size of good doesn’t matter because the feeling you get is the same – that you are capable of positivity.  It’s lots of little rehearsals for the big thing that may – no, will come along.

Do good, feel good – banish negative thoughts that are useless.

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Perhaps you’ve heard about “The Four Agreements”?

Authors Don Miguel Ruiz and Janet Mills make the most sense of a haunting issue of our time – judging, made easier through instant communication and social media.

They ask you to imagine living your life without the fear of being judged by others.

What others say no longer influences you or patterns of your life.

You’re not accountable for someone’s opinion.

You’re done with controlling anyone and no one gets to control you.

That’s living your life without judging others.

True freedom comes from releasing the fear of judgment and the need to control others.  When we stop worrying about what people think and let go of judgments, we can live authentically, forgive easily, and experience inner peace.

I love this, from Miguel Ruiz:  “Don’t take anything personally. What others say about you is a reflection of their own reality, their own dream.”

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… its default setting would be tuned to ‘threat channel.’

You have to consciously change the station to find peace.

That’s the wisdom of Global Center for Resilience and Wellbeing’s Dr. Amit Sood who reminds us in a way relatable to my entertainment industry readers and for that matter anyone in the audience for the need for intentional mental shifts.

To “change the station” is to interrupt those automatic threat-based patterns and intentionally focus your mind elsewhere:  Gratitude, connection, present-moment awareness and joy, beauty, or creativity.

This doesn’t happen passively. You have to decide to guide your attention toward peace — because the brain won’t land there by itself.

If we can turn the channel on a radio, choose from thousands of podcasts on our phone or build a playlist from millions of choices on Spotify, we can surely take charge of our attitude.

This topic of the hidden power within is so motivational because everyone has it even if they don’t know it.

“The greatest power you have is the power to choose. The moment you decide to change your thinking, you begin to change your life.”

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In our NYU stress class we discover something so important that it can be life-changing.

That our brain is not programmed for happiness!  It’s been functioning in humans since the beginning of time for safety – to protect and warn us.

And, by the way, how social media pings us tends to trigger warnings not happiness is not nothing – it’s teasing the brain.

It’s almost a relief for some young people to discover this fact because it helps to reassure us that we are not doing something wrong if we wake up on a sunny day and don’t feel sunny.

So, the trick is to stop feeling bad about not feeling good.

There are workarounds – move on to something else, focus on someone different or simply just understand that your brain is doing its job and your job is to tap into the things in life that bring you happiness and pursue them.

Our brain’s #1 mission is survival—not mood optimization.

Your mind is a problem-solving machine.  But you are not a problem to be solved as psychologist Steven Hayes reminds us.

Such a powerful line — our brains scan for threats like we’re broken, when we’re just human.

I feel better already.

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“Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward,” says philosopher  Søren Kierkegaard.

It means that we often make sense of our choices, struggles, and turning points — only in hindsight.  Looking back, we can see patterns, understand consequences, and gain clarity about who we are and how we’ve changed.

But we can’t live in reverse.  We’re always moving into an uncertain future, making decisions without knowing exactly how they’ll turn out.

Our challenge is learning to live with purpose and courage even when we don’t yet understand the meaning of our path.  In other words, life is an adventure.

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I learned something new again last week in my NYU Stress-Free Living and Working in the Music Industry class.

One student suggested in an open class discussion that there is now a new type of shaming that is worrying him – the shame of not having a good enough job and posting it on social media site LinkedIn.  Yes, LinkedIn which is designed to be the antidote to Facebook and Instagram and others that are more superficial.

The other 25 class members almost to a person, chimed in in agreement.  That not having a prestigious enough job (or cool enough) at varying stages of employment can be seen in a negative light – some want to resist it.

You can’t ignore shame even though it’s important to put in perspective that one person’s shame may actually start out as another person’s pride.

Social media has been killing the self-esteem of young people for long enough now for us to understand that it can be lethal.  Whether on social media or not, where we work is part of our narrative.   I’ve accomplished some broadcasting, business and educational goals but I also worked at Sears selling sporting goods as well as parks, recreation working with young people and being fired that led to a phenomenal job.

What matters is not the coolness of a career but where it ultimately fits in to your total journey.

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Author Meg Jay puts it bluntly when she quotes how young people look at pride:

“My mom goes on and on to me and everybody else about how great I am and how proud she is of me, and I want to say: ‘For what? What exactly stands out about me?’”

And that’s it!  Why are you proud of me and why am I proud of myself?

No reason is not a good enough reason.

The whys and wherefores are just as important as the feelings which often times are well-meant.

So as the day goes on, why not pause and specifically identify why you might be feeling self-pride and should others compliment you, remember the glue that holds pride together is what it is attached to.

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I chose the best in sports, business, and personal life – the things that get me up to defy the odds on days when I need a boost.

Business:  Apple was near bankruptcy when Steve Jobs returned as CEO in 1997. He streamlined products, launched the iMac, iPod, and later the iPhone, transforming Apple into the most valuable company in the world from $1 billion in losses to $3 trillion in valuation.

Personal:  JK Rowling rejected by 12 publishers to go on and become one of the most successful authors with Harry Potter.

Space:  After an oxygen tank exploded aboard Apollo 13 mid-mission, NASA engineers and astronauts improvised fixes under extreme pressure to bring the crew safely home. A “successful failure” that redefined crisis management.

Sports:  Soccer or more accurately the Union of European Football Associations. In the UEFA Champions League Final, Liverpool trailed AC Milan 3-0 at halftime. Against all odds, they scored 3 goals in 6 minutes during the second half, then won on penalties. It’s considered one of the greatest comebacks in sports history.

The “biggest” comeback is about defying odds, refusing to quit, and doing the seemingly impossible – a reminder that resilience is humanity’s superpower.

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