When I taught the Dale Carnegie Course, instructors used to teach that the benefit often follows the action.

Act enthusiastic and you’ll be enthusiastic 

Not think yourself into enthusiasm – do something enthusiastic first. 

The action comes before the result.

The same is true with happiness.

Sitting around waiting for happiness to approach us can sometimes be a long wait.

Bring some kind of joy to others 

And joy will come to you.

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Shaming is used to control.

It hurts as much as a physical punch.

Shaming stops when we think enough of ourselves to either push back, end the conversation or avoid the shamer in the future.

You don’t get to say that.

This conversation is over. 

Don’t speak that way if you want my friendship.

Own your story and embrace your vulnerabilities.

When shame attacks, be brave and reach out to others.

Shame disables the part of us that believes we are capable of change.

Shame is the powerful fear that we are not good enough and it is cured by giving yourself the love you deserve.

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When they turn to their phone, stop talking until they put it away.

If they say, “I can do both”, “keep talking”, “I’m listening” remain silent – they’ll get the message.

When they can’t come up with a question for you, end the encounter as soon as possible unless you have nothing to do except listen to someone else speak.

Both sides are important.

Both messages worth hearing.

To connect with others in a world of distraction, think enough of both of you to not become their distraction as well.

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A study in Psychological Science shows that people who hang onto stress did worse than those who were able to let it go.

Elon Musk, the brilliant SpaceX and Tesla founder is on the verge of a breakdown.

He says he can’t sleep and works constantly.

There is a difference between understanding stress and letting it go.

Decide to let go of arguments at work or home – it’s a decision; not an act of faith.

If you experience stress one full day after having a stressful experience, jettison that feeling because it will eat you alive.  Add more than one stressor and your body and mind will be under constant attack. 

Create safe havens from stress – a quiet place, a happy place, a positive friend, a spiritual moment.  Breaking stress even for a minute helps people let go.  It’s been proven. 

Ask what’s the worst that can happen when under stress – even if you have a flare for the dramatic, you’ll soon realize that your worry is usually more toxic than the consequence you fear. 

Replace a stressful moment with a grateful moment (“My boss is killing me” is switched out for “My mother is a caring person” or “my husband is so thoughtful”).  Stress switching helps retrain the brain.

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Before you can get what you want, you have to know what the other person wants.

No one is motivated to do anything for us just because we want it.

It is far more effective and actually more humane to spend lots of time getting to all the little details of what they want first.

The road to getting what you want passes through giving the other person something that they want, too.

If this isn’t done sincerely, then it can be seen as manipulation.

The most effective person I know (and very wealthy at that), makes it an ongoing practice to understand what drives the person on the other side of an agreement.

The number of times deals fall apart because people argue over petty things is great.  Even when the tough issues are resolved, little issues (but important to one party) can scuttle an agreement.

Ask who, what, where, when, why and how before asking something of another person.

Look for things you can give them, if they can find a way to give you what you’re asking. 

Getting what you want without giving up something important to the other person will backfire.  

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