Or text message.

Or letter.

Go ahead and pound it out.  Get a load off your mind.  Tell them in no uncertain words.  Use vivid, strong and colorful language.  Give them a piece of your mind.  Don’t bother checking the spelling.

But before you hit send, save it to your outbox if it’s email, don’t hit send yet if it’s a text message and don’t mail the letter — not just yet.

Once you get it all out, here’s my secret. 

Don’t send it for 24 hours.

A day later I challenge you to review your strong message and I’ll bet you will do what I do — delete it or throw it in the trash. 

The real benefit to writing an angry letter or email is that you get your harsh feelings out to examine and consider.

The advantage to not sending it is that you don’t let those same feelings destroy relationships or further complicate them.

You can’t take it back after you hit send so hit save to save yourself from making a big mistake.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

Marriages, families, employees and managers and almost every relationship could do better at effective communication.

Here are some things you might try because even accomplishing one of them can mean real improvement, happiness or career success:

• When receiving the message, practice repeating it back to the sender.
   
• If you’re the sender, use diplomacy and the best human relations skills you know to couch the way you say it.
   
• Do that which you agree you will do or else it shows disrespect to others.
   
• Be considerate by always keeping those with whom you communicate in the loop on latest developments.  With all the digital tools we have, there are no excuses for waiting for another person to ask you for an update.
   
• Present problems first as an opportunity — include some solutions.
   
• Consider the setting, time, location as part of when and how to communicate.
   
• For problems, agree on an action step and then immediately set a time to complete what you’ve promised or to schedule a follow-up conversation.
   
• Never put anything in an email that you can’t imagine yourself reading in a courtroom.
   
• Use email judicially for it is often misinterpreted.  Email works best when it sticks to the facts.
   
• Think things through before communicating — don’t be tempted by lightning fast technology in lieu of careful consideration.
   
• No one hates a smiling face when entering into two-way talk.
   
• There is no one winner in effective communication — everyone must truly benefit.
   
• Never try to persuade another person without hearing them out first.
   
• Always have an open mind.

What do you think?  

Try one today?

“Two monologues do not make a dialogue” — Jeff Daly

“I can’t” means I won’t.

Instead say, I will.

“I failed” means I gave up.

Better to say, I’ll keep trying and learn from my failures.

“I wish” means I’m likely fantasizing.

It’s more productive to think of a wish as a firm commitment to guarantee results.

“I tried” is often code for I’m now going to stop trying.

Look at trying not as a virtue, but a continuous way of life. 

“I have no confidence” is frequently a way to say, and I’m not getting any confidence, either.  

Increased confidence begins with “yes, I can” not harboring thoughts of “no, I can’t”.

The words we tell ourselves determine the way we think.

Change the words.

Change the way you think.

Rebecca Marino took a break from her World Tennis Association career not because of the usual injuries that tennis imposes on a pro athlete.

But because of bulling from fans.

Marino was a rising star in tennis with an overpowering serve and a wicked forehand.  She climbed from a 192 ranking a year earlier to 38 seed by July of 2011.

But her quick ascent to stardom hit a bump in the road when Marino became the butt of cruel online and social media criticism from so-called fans.

Marino herself became addicted — not to drugs or alcohol — but to checking social media to see what harsh things these bullying fans were saying about her.  Finally, last February she took 7 months off from the sport she was so good at to deal with the insecurities she acquired from people she didn’t even know. 

Bullying is nothing new but because of social media and the ability of anyone anywhere to hurl hurtful comments at others, it is now an epidemic.  What’s worse, the bullying that used to be confined to the schoolyard or to a relationship is now open for the whole world to see.

Rebecca Marino is now back on the tennis tour but still sensitive about what is said about her.  She’s got all she can do to keep away from the criticism that is still out there on social media.  She has even returned to Twitter cautiously since giving it up during her time off.

Bullying stops when we say “no more”.

The push back doesn’t have to be physical, but it has to be forceful.  Take control of your life and don’t let anyone record hurtful messages in your psyche.

I just picture a digital chip implanted in my forehead as a visual reminder to not let anyone record negative messages in my brain. 

Marino’s advice on bullying:

“Don’t be afraid of the stigma of it, and talk about it.  There’s nothing to be ashamed of.  If you’re bullied or cyberbullied, or someone’s harassing you, it’s better to be open about it and talk to someone about it than to hold it inside.”

“When people hurt you over and over, think of them like sandpaper. They may scratch and hurt you a bit, but in the end, you end up polished and they end up useless.”  — Chris Colfer

I read an article recently, which asserted that teens who share their secrets are more confident in social situations than others who keep secrets to themselves.

So that’s what went wrong with my childhood!

About 79% of those surveyed in a Dutch study of 790 people said they shared at least one secret with parents, friends, teachers and neighbors. 

Students who tended to keep secrets to themselves were more likely to have increased rule-breaking behavior, illnesses, mood disorders and dysfunctional relationships.

In the study, girls shared more secrets than boys and were deemed more likely to reap the health benefits.

I don’t know if this applies to adults, but I’m thinking yes. 

Sharing secrets is less troubling and makes us happier.

This doesn’t mean go out and blab your innermost thoughts to the next person you see because it’s not that simple. 

Often we are troubled by that which eats us alive — the things that we needlessly keep to ourselves when sharing our secrets with a trusted person makes us feel better and healthier.

“Secrets are things we give to others to keep for us” — Elbert Hubbard

When stress and negativity starts creeping in, our lives are beginning to fall apart. 

Illness, relationships, employment, unresolved issues, loss — there is no shortage of ways that adversely affect our happiness.

Even when one problem is resolved, it seems something else pops up.

I’ve studied this all-too-frequent visitor to life — the lack of control — and have asked professionals their opinion on how happy, successful people respond when they feel their lives are beginning to go off track.

The “fix” is shocking perhaps because it is counterintuitive. 

Spiritual people turn everything over to God and if their faith is strong, that can effectively work for them.

But whether you are religious or not, the one way to defeat the awful feeling of life out of control is by saying this one line:

“I have no more control over this and I am incapable of dealing with it.”

Yes, admit defeat and declare victory.

That one line becomes a freeing thing.

It’s not that you don’t care, it’s just that you’re unwilling to keep paying a continued price for banging your head against the wall in an attempt to control that, which cannot be controlled.

Then move on. 

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t repeat this powerful line:  “I have no more control over this and I am incapable of dealing with it” and I thought when all else fails, you might like to try it, too.

I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “If I didn’t have bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all”. 

That’s funny, but not true.

Blaming luck is a cop out of sorts – a way to see the negative side of things.

I know people – and I’ve worked with people – who seek out failure like a heat-seeking missile finds its target.  And I think they do it because of fear of failure.

If you blame luck, you don’t really have to take the chance of failing on your own.

If you read this space regularly you know I am a great believer that failure is actually the required precursor to success.  Tell me how many failures you’ve had and I can see a success coming.

Failure is a way to discover what works and what doesn’t.

A foolproof method of gauging your own desire and that of those around you.

“Lucky” people are rarely lucky.

Even those who think luck won them the lottery sadly find out that most big lottery winners become losers in life – losing their friends, family, job and, of course, the money eventually runs out leaving them destitute. 

You may prefer this great advice from Branch Rickey, one-time commissioner of baseball:

“Luck is the residue of design”. 

We make our own good luck.

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So the Postal Service is cutting out Saturday deliveries in August and somehow I can hear millions of people moaning about the email that is going to pick up the slack.

Even more junk mail.

More back and forth communication that used to be limited to fewer postings.

Gen Y has it right.  E-mail is so outmoded and yet we find ourselves stressed out over it.

There is so much volume and it’s not letting up.  Factor in Facebook, Twitter and other social media interactions and we conclude that what put the Postal Service out of business is putting us out of our minds.

So, here are some workarounds:

1. Open a new email address and give it out to others the way you would hand them a $100 bill – very selectively and infrequently.  Monitor this address the most once you have made the switchover.
    
2. Consider a new IOS app called Mailbox.  It’s a retro way of handling mail just like snail mail.  You can sort your inbox into three pretty neat columns.  But it’s a tool not a total answer.
    
3. You can answer your email at prescribed times each day but it might be better to refer back to #1 and start over.  A lot of email even handled twice a day can be stressful.
    
4. Try to make emails Twitter length where possible.
    
5. Sometimes the seemingly endless back and forth to, say, make an appointment might be better handled with a short phone call.

The answer is to take control of something that started as good and has now become a nightmare for many.

“I don’t believe in email.  I’m an old fashioned girl.  I prefer calling and hanging up” – Sarah Jessica Parker

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