We have information on-demand through Google.

And TV shows and movies on-demand from Netflix.

How can we get self-confidence on-demand for those important times when we need an extra boost?

1. Repeat the following mantra:  “I’ve done it before so I can do it again”.
2. Think of similar times when you’ve achieved something that took confidence even if it does not directly apply to the situation at hand (i.e., you need an extra boost of confidence for an upcoming presentation but you have no precedent so imagine when you, say, were a really good friend to someone in need). 
3. The thing about confidence is that it is not about finding something in the present that you did well previously.  Confidence knows no such limitations.  Therefore, anything that makes us feel good about ourselves is self-confidence on-demand.
4. Your secret weapon:  Just trying is a powerful injection of self-confidence.  No one ever said we had to speak before a group, go to a new school or start a new job, go on an interview or meet someone new first before we had the self-confidence to do so.

As Teddy Roosevelt said, “Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”

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The one thing that must never happen is to allow another person to cross over our boundaries.

Boundaries are the things that matter to us and constitute the essence of our being – our values, our ethics, our morals.

Some people have a way of pushing these boundaries and sometimes they inappropriately cross over them.  That’s when it’s time to defend.

Rule 1:  No one may cross your boundaries.  No one, no matter and particularly how close to you their relationship may be.

Rule 2:  If they do, their efforts will be pushed back.

Rule 3:  Continued attempts to violate your boundaries will lead to a suspension and eventual end of your relationship and the abuse.

Rule 4:  Set up an imaginary virtual boundary on the values, ethics and morals that make us who we want to be (a mind picture).  Then when another person gets uncomfortably close to your boundaries, send a strong message that you will walk away from that kind of behavior if it doesn’t stop immediately.  If it continues, you must act.

Sexual harassment.  Verbal and elder abuse.  Abuse that results from drinking, drugs or other extenuating circumstances are serious violations of your airspace.

But things that make us feel badly about ourselves and disrespect for our personal boundaries also constitute violations of individual boundaries and should be terminated.

Employers and coworkers who degrade, manipulate or blatantly disrespect us are also abusers and their efforts can lead to a diminution of self-esteem and confidence.

Fortunately most people largely respect the boundaries of others, but for the odd person who knows no boundaries, it is our responsibility to recognize the intrusion, stop it and end the relationship if necessary.

This is also an important thing to teach children who are particularly vulnerable.

 “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent” – Eleanor Roosevelt

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There are endless ways to reduce stress both physical and psychological and if you’re like me, we’ve tried them endless times without much success.

Here are the thoughts that work for me.  Perhaps they might help you as well:

1. Whatever is going on will likely be insignificant by tomorrow.  For everything else, there is courage.  Look back on yesterday’s stressors to see what I mean.

2. I’m not going to let what’s stressing me now run roughshod over me without a fight.  Often just saying those words is enough to break the stress.

3. The best stress buster is – whatever is worrying me or freaking me out has only a 1% chance of happening.  That’s true.  Psychologists say we worry about things that have a 99% chance of never happening.

4. When stress between two people becomes palpable, the solution is to communicate the best we can with the other person.  Taking the initiative is an automatic stress reducer and if opening a line of communication helps, then we achieve peace.  If others cross our safe boundaries, defending them is invigorating and builds our confidence.

Almost anything that involves putting stress front and center helps it from gnawing away at our health and happiness.

“My life has been filled with terrible misfortune, most of which never happened” – Michel De Montaigne

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Many times we humans know exactly what we need to do when faced with a problem.

We just don’t always do it.

To put it another way, our instincts are better than we give ourselves credit for.

For example, we often know when it’s time to look for a new job or career, but we stay longer than we know we should.

We sense when a relationship has gone stale because we often seek the help of a professional to help us through it.  Yet, we move painfully slow.  Many psychologists say by the time a couple gets to their office, it’s often too late.

We know when something is not right between us and loved ones or friends but we stew and avoid confronting the other person.

So if we know, why do we not act?

Courage is like adrenaline in a crisis.  It’s there when we need it.

I had a high school math teacher who told an unforgettable story about how he and his wife were in a rollover accident after which he had to lift the car off of his injured wife who fell out of the car to save her life.

No problem, adrenaline kicked in.  He was 5’6” by the way and it was a big car.

I’ve always looked at courage the same way.

When we need it most, we must let it kick in.  We must take action to confront what we know in our heart of hearts we must do.  It is always available as a tool.

“Pearls do not lie on the seashore.  If desire one, you must dive for it” – Oriental proverb

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It’s not really about making the boss like you.

Not necessarily getting another degree.

Not so much always working late.

Not even being the best and the brightest because sometimes even they aren’t the person a company can’t live without.

The number one guaranteed way to be the most valuable person in your company is to continually show your employer how you add value to the company.

It’s that simple.

Can you help make more money?  Save more money?  Come up with great ideas? Work skillfully with other people?  Bring the best out of people?

It’s relatively easy for employers to part with employees in the digital age because employees rarely see themselves as people who can add value to the company.  Instead, we tend to gather up skills, work long hours, stress ourselves out and in the end find that we’re not getting the compensation or security we think we’ve earned.

Add value to the company you work for in every way you can and on a consistent ongoing basis – this is the indispensible employee of tomorrow.

“Creating value is what distinguishes good employees from those you simply can’t do without. Creating value is what makes you irreplaceable” – Kelsey Meyer, Forbes

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If you’ve ever used or heard the phrase “if I knew then what I know now” you have come to appreciate the benefits of learning from the past.

History repeats itself because too often we fail to learn from it – it’s that simple.

To be shortsighted is to have a lack of foresight.

That’s why when people remarry, they often marry the same type of person they divorced. 

Why we keep taking jobs in an industry we know, instead of an industry that we’d like to get to know.

It is within our power this very day to start learning from the past and applying that wisdom to the future.

We’re often advised to live in the present and not the past or the future.

Sound advice.

But the past is replete with many lessons that are worth thinking more seriously about because the past is the road map that tells us where we’ve been and how we got there. 

The future is uncharted waters for even the most gifted predictors of what’s ahead.

Now is a great time to learn more about ourselves from where we’ve been and it can make all the difference in the world.

“Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forward” – Soren Kierkegaard

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Whether you are spiritual or not, here is the best way to deal with life’s challenges.

“Do the best that you can and put it in God’s hands”

If you’re not religious, working hard to resolve a problem and giving up control is another way to look at it.

Many people do not believe that their lives are pre-determined and that how they deal with adversity doesn’t matter.

It does.

Out of bad comes good because working hard to grapple with life’s issues is transformative.

So, the next time you are faced with adversity, do the best that you can and put it in the hands of a higher power.

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Clinical psychologist Meg Jay says 30 is not the new 20.

And that 80% of life’s most defining moments happen by our mid-30’s.

The first ten years of a career, which usually begins in earnest during our 20’s has exponential impact on earning power – that’s how important that decade is.

The brain rewires itself for adulthood in the 20’s so as Dr. Jay says if you want to change it, that’s the time.

Our personalities change in our 20’s more than any other time of life.

Today, postponing this important ten-year progression is validated by society.  We’re making a mistake by telling 20-somethings that they have an “extra” ten years yet to accomplish the important things that usually begin in their 20’s.

But this applies to all age groups.

There is always tomorrow. 

We’re living longer.

We can multitask and cram everything in life in.

But it’s actually the opposite.

Whether true or not, the secret is to live as if today is the last day we have.  That feeds the urgency necessary to live life to the fullest and keep growing at any age.

“To achieve great things, you need a plan and not enough time” – Leonard Bernstein

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The difference between fear thought and forethought is that fear thought is the negative thinking that makes life worse for all of us and forethought is the positive way to realistically look ahead to deal with problems.  

Sometimes just knowing the difference makes all the difference.

When we fear the future, we get what we fear even though 99% of what we fear will never happen.

When we plan for the future, we are actively dealing with potential problems.

Fear thought paralyzes us.

Forethought empowers us.

Never spend a moment fearing the future because the odds are in your favor that your fears will never be realized although you may make yourself sick and unhappy.

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When I taught generational media at the University of Southern California, I used to share thoughts about life to my students in the final minutes of class.

Last week, one of my students posted it on Facebook for all her friends to see.  It was an inspirational passage about the freeing benefits of taking risks and I’d like to share it with you today:

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach for another is to risk involvement.

To expose your feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas, your dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To believe is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing. They may avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, live. Chained by their attitudes they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.”

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