There is almost nothing that can hurt you more than your own negative thoughts.

The words and actions of others can be hurtful – even destructive – but they pale in comparison to the words and thoughts that we turn loose to hurt ourselves.

No age group is more positive than another although younger people tend to be more optimistic about the future but not necessarily more positive about themselves.

When you find yourself saying words of limitation, catch them and stop it (i.e., statements that have the word  “can’t” in them).

When you hear someone else use words that limit their potential or talk themselves down, recognize it each and every time so it doesn’t infect you (example: Substitute “I’ve put together the best resume and presentation I possibly can, I’m excited” for “They are interviewing so many people for that promotion, my chances are not good that I will get it”).

When you buy into a streak of bad luck, break it to change your luck – good things follow positive thoughts (“If I keep doing enough good things, my chance of succeeding will improve just as athletes who practice with positivity rehearse their future success”).

And expect to get what you want.  I have (and sometimes relapse) into negative thoughts, but my history suggests otherwise.  Usually, I find a way to get what I want.

Think about this – your history may be the same when you look at it objectively.

Expect something good to come out of the ups and downs of life and it usually does.

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Give 5 minutes of uninterrupted listening to those who are important in your life each and every week.

5 minutes to a friend, co-worker, family member or child in which you vow to say absolutely nothing while you simply hear the other person out.

Duct tape your lips shut – at least in your mind’s eye.

This is pure magic.

5 minutes often becomes longer and when it is your turn to talk – and you will be surprised how much the other person actually wants to hear from you when you give them this prime talking time first – you will be heard.

No more screaming for attention.

No longer making everything about us.

Just 5 minutes – you pick the people – and listen.

Married couples and partners may want to consider making this process a little more formal – ten minutes for you and 10 minutes for them every week.

Believe me, people would rather be heard than have you agree with them.

Parents and children don’t really suffer from a gender gap but rather a hearing problem.

The secret that will change your life is to give 5 minutes of person centered interest to those people you identity as important in your life.

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There is an epidemic of stress that few of us have been able to avoid and many of us have not been able to control.

Incredibly, much of the stress in our lives comes from those very close to us – friends, family and often people we spend the most time with who cause workplace related stress.

But real friends do not cause anxiety in others.

People who do are egocentric and sometimes try to project their unhappiness on those who are only a short distance away from their lives.  And in today’s digital world, we are ALL a short distance away from potential anxiety producers.

Take this stress test:

1. Are those close to you making everything about them and not you?  If so, they are not available to be your friend even if that is their intention.
2. Do they give you ultimatums – do this or do that or I am disappointed in you?  If they try this, they are manipulative.  Real friends do not manipulate.
3. Are they emotional or do they trigger emotional stress in you?  Those who do are often more interested in bullying than being a true friend.

Think of the best friend you have right now.

Are they kind?  Do they give without expecting anything in return?

Here’s an overlooked marker:  do they listen at least half the time and speak the other half?  Are they there for you without regard to gaining anything in return?

Friends don’t let friends cause anxiety.

It is unreasonable to expect such people to change their behavior.  You must change yours.

Spend more time with people who produce warmth and reassurance and less time with those who make their whims, problems and desires kidnap your relationship.

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Cellular voice calls in the U.S. grew 14% over the last year (source: CTIA, the Wireless Association).

There are now apps for new age talking (i.e., short, to the point).

For that there is Voxer which works like a walkie-talkie letting people communicate back and forth in short bursts.

ChitChat doing the same thing except the messages disappear after they’ve been played.

Apple is also working on mobile software that will allow users to send short voice messages that will also disappear once heard.

Talking on the phone is a valuable tool.

It enables us to discern the feelings of others in ways that text-based messaging cannot.

It shows a maturation of our digital communication process.

Generations past, people would call their relatives on Sunday nights when the lowest phone rates applied.  Still, they would remind the recipient that “I’m calling Long Distance” meaning get to the point this is costing me money.

When most cell carriers charge for data usage and giveaway texting and talking for free, it tells you where they think the market is.

All tools of communication – texting, talking, social apps, Instagram, SnapChat and even email are assets of living in the digital age.

But don’t confuse the process for the tools.

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Yes, anger.

A healthy sense of outrage at the problems that plague us or people who stymie our growth and happiness.

Hope is not a fuzzy word.  It is a formula that helps us through the challenges of life.

People can endure anything if they have hope.

Viktor Frankl, the young psychiatrist imprisoned in a World War II concentration camp endured inhumane treatment that was also directed at 6 million other victims.

But when he was freed, Frankl in his book Man’s Search For Meaning relates how faith in some people gave him hope about his condition and his fellow man.

Without hope, no one can survive.

To get to hope, be courageous and show an appropriate healthy sense of anger for the things that get us down.

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The three times divorced movie star Ali McGraw says all her marriages ended because she never told her partners who she really was.

Communication is merely an unmet expectation unless we feel strongly enough to start the process – at home, at work with friends and family.

When people don’t communicate they almost never say, “I didn’t communicate”.

Sometimes they admit, “We didn’t communicate”.

But usually the breakdown is described as “they never communicated with me”.

We cannot expect others to be what we want them to be unless we are committed to being what we want to be.

Think it.

Say it.

All you can do is your part.

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Marriott, the hotel chain that made $13 billion in revenue last year caused a dustup from customers when they enlisted the help of TV anchor Maria Shriver to come up with cash to pay their underpaid hotel maids.

To be clear, Marriott’s’ hotel maids are among the lowest paid in an industry that also has a 40% higher injury rate than other service sectors.

Many Marriott hotel guests happily pay cash bonuses to their individual room maids but didn’t appreciate the envelopes placed in 160,000 Marriott hotel rooms in the U.S. and Canada recently.

One tweeter said, “I have a great deal for you Marriott – you stop charging for wireless in the rooms, and I’ll put that money toward tipping the maids!! Win Win!”

Another said, “..rather than telling your patrons to tip their attendants, or spend marketing dollars to roll out a campaign, isn’t it your responsibly to pay your workers livable wages so that tips are not required!”

Millennials have renewed our passion for being authentic not only as a person but in our business dealings.

Cable companies and mobile carriers are less than honest with us.  If you are planning to buy a new iPhone, lots of luck determining the real price of the phone beyond the promises of cellular companies.

All of this reminds us that to be authentic – the real deal – should be our main goal.

Be ourselves with warts and all.

Reject Mad Men-era spin saying one thing that really means another.

People are attracted to authenticity.

By the millions.

And one relationship at a time.

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New York Senator Kirsten Gillibrand outed some of her colleagues in the new book Off the Sidelines.

Sadly, women are still the targets of men who are either unthinking or uninformed that women are the exact same thing as men in the workplace.

Just after having a baby and being appointed to replace Hillary Clinton as Senator from New York, Gillibrand heard:  “too fat to get elected statewide”, heard warnings from colleagues about being “too porky” and being told that she’s “even pretty when she’s fat”.  One senator even grabbed her waist and called her “chubby”.

She was reduced to tears and lost confidence; Gillibrand said, “I wasn’t in a place where I could tell him to go (F) himself”.

Women get these undermining comments all the time even in this day of enlightenment across all industries.

My thoughts:

1. Reject any comment directed to you as out of line (even psychological ones) that you don’t agree with.  As Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “’No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”.  So the solution starts with you.
2. Countering with insults only reduces you to their level – cut them off, dismiss the criticism and move on.
3. Combat the damage that can easily be done to your reputation by focusing primarily on being the competent fine person you are.

We are human.

Sexism and harassment hurts.

Put every negative comment to work to succeed in your goals and to be the person you want to be.

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Before I give a speech, I stand up as straight as a ramrod, take deep breaths and stride forward to the stage.

As a radio program director I often asked my djs to stand up for their shifts – at least at the beginning of their shows to emote confidence and power.

Now I know why.

Amy Cuddy, a social psychologist at Harvard Business School has done research on “power poses” that have clearly helped people from all walks of life, in just about every career and some who have even been damaged by bullying, mental illness, sexual assault or physical limitations.

I am anxious to share this with you and hope you will pass it along to friends, children and loved ones:

1. Making yourself BIG for only two minutes changes the brain in ways that build courage, reduce anxiety and promote leadership skills – tested techniques that really work.  Get up and stand tall.
2. Stretching out comfortable in a desk chair – feet on the desk, fingers held behind your head – increases testosterone by 20% and better yet, lowered the stress hormone cortisol by 25%.  Just that one move.  Think about how we sit slumped over our laptops, iPads and phones all day long.  It may not be convenient, but sitting straight up at a desktop computer breeds more confidence.
3. Instead as Cuddy puts it “fake it until you become it”.

Cuddy: “Let your body tell you you’re powerful and deserving and you become more present, enthusiastic and authentically yourself”.

We’re always looking for high priced ways to take a pill or attend classes and even seek professional help to mitigate anxiety.  Try this two-minute approach today and share your comments.

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By trying to take a picture of this bumper sticker as I did on Sunday.

You see, the clever bumper sticker distracted me enough to photograph it for you.

Texting while driving is more dangerous than drunk driving and that’s not good, either.

Parents text more than young adults – backed up by research I have shared here.

It’s a menace to you and to your children if you are a parent.

The law clamps down on drunk driving but lets texting while driving go on in spite of the few states that actually “ban” it in principle if not in practice.

Again, texting is not the problem.

Bad judgment is the problem.

Apple, Google and others are trying to find hands free ways to receive and respond to texts but that may fall on deaf ears because if you check with young people (and their texting parents), it’s the tactile feeling finger texting that brings the pleasure.
Technology already supplies us with ways to record it and text it.

Mel Karmazin, the media executive who most recently helped Sirius XM satellite achieve success used to say that everything was a distraction in a car but that radio was the least of them and over decades of use few have ever died from listening to the radio (unless the programming was that bad).

Don’t look to others to reign in texting while driving.

Just as your best friend deserves as much non-distracted face time as our digital devices, the same holds true for driving.

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